Red Flags, Sex & Closing the Distance | Can Long-Distance Love Actually Last? Part 2

Andrea Knoche (: 00:02

So long distance relationships, as we know, can be very exciting and romantic and honestly, I'd say a little addictive at times because you're missing each other. You look forward to seeing each other and every visit.

Can feel kind of like a mini vacation that's good and bad. We're gonna get to that. But eventually the real questions are starting to show up, right? Are we both making the same effort? Where is this actually going? And at what point does someone have to be willing to change their life if they we want this to become something real, like an everyday relationship? Now.

Amy Watts (: 00:31

So that's the end the

Andrea Knoche (: 00:35

Friend Amy Watts here again today. She is a reinvention strategist and she is helping us to talk about this whole long distance thing. Her and I have already had half a discussion on this. So if you haven't listened to that, go back and listen to the episode before this one. We talked a lot about communication.

Amy Watts (: 00:43

Okay.

Andrea Knoche (: 00:54

We talked about having an actual plan. We talked about the fantasy versus reality. And probably the biggest one, we talked about trust.

Amy Watts (: 00:58

Okay.

Andrea Knoche (: 01:02

So we had so much to say about long distance that we had to cut it. Right. And so today we are gonna, today we're picking up where we left off because loving someone from a long distance is one thing, but f figuring out whether you can actually build a life together is something completely different. Hi, Amy. Welcome

Amy Watts (: 01:09

Okay.

Andrea Knoche (: 01:24

back to from Mrs. to Miz.

Amy Watts (: 01:26

Hello, thank you. I'm so excited to be back. Yes, part one was fantastic. And I know we've got lots more good stuff to jump in here. Both of

Andrea Knoche (: 01:35

So good.

Amy Watts (: 01:36

us having, yeah, multiple different experiences in the long distance real, which

Andrea Knoche (: 01:40

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 01:41

again, we hit on. So yeah, girl, let's keep going with this. It's good stuff.

Andrea Knoche (: 01:43

Let's keep going. Okay.

So get out your paper and pen because we told you to take notes last week because there's so much good information. We don't want you to miss it. So today we are gonna talk about like making the effort. Like, are you actually showing up? Right. And then we're also gonna talk about like putting your life on hold. When do you do that? And is it okay to do that to kind of make this move forward, or are you getting ahead of yourself sometimes, right?

we also want to talk about red flags. Are they easier to hide from a distance? I love that one. I can't wait to touch on that. And we're also going to talk about when visits can create that false sense of compatibility. I and so much more. I mean, we just have so much to talk about. Let's hope we get through this one entirely this time.

Amy Watts (: 02:22

So much more. Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 02:27

All right. So let's start with talking about effort. And like, are you actually willing to show up? Because there's a lot of things that have to take place in order for this to happen and to can be continued and consecutive and to feel like it's growing. So

we want to talk about like who's initiating the calls, who's planning the visits, who is spending all this money to travel back and forth. Is someone over the other one completely

Amy Watts (: 02:40

Mm-hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 02:51

rearranging their schedule to make this happen? So there's so many things that

Amy Watts (: 02:55

you

Andrea Knoche (: 02:56

you

know, a lot of variables that come into play when you're trying to do long distance. So how do you look at it? And I know you did long distance with your guy before. And how was that for you like trying to make things work? The phone calls, the trips, it gets expensive.

Amy Watts (: 03:12

Yeah,

you know, and here's another one I don't think we hit on before, but thinking about time zone differences too, right? So.

I was on West Coast, he was East Coast at the time. And so a three hour time difference, it doesn't sound significant, but you're at very different points in your day. So

Andrea Knoche (: 03:28

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 03:29

when you think about just like the day to day communication, that was a consideration too, you know, like, and to your point of who's initiating communication. And then

Andrea Knoche (: 03:37

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 03:38

there's this whole other piece, you know, there's a phrase, communication fatigue. So this, it's

Andrea Knoche (: 03:44

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 03:44

such intentional communication. It's not organic so much.

Yeah, text you can kind of like something pops in your mind and you can text it But

Andrea Knoche (: 03:52

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 03:53

it's different than you know, you're hanging out on the couch watching a show together and that organic conversation sparks some deep conversation that Maybe

Andrea Knoche (: 04:02

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 04:03

wouldn't have happened when in that time span when you say, okay Well, let's face time from 7 to 8 p.m. Tonight. that is an extra layer of challenge there to think about yeah the communication fatigue kind of is one to consider and

Andrea Knoche (: 04:15

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 04:16

and think about

do we want to let's yes we have some scheduled times but also what's it look like during the day if I just want to grab the phone quick and call you and tell you about something

Andrea Knoche (: 04:26

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 04:26

that just happened but it's 8 a.m. for me and it's you know 11 a.m. for you so you're in the midst of your workday things like that.

Andrea Knoche (: 04:32

That's rough. And

yeah, and and at night, right? Or like if you even think about when you're getting up at 8 a.m. and you want to, you know, talk before, you know, you're getting your coffee, you want to have your morning talk before you get started. Well, it's 5 a.m. for the other person. And I remember thinking like, because

We've kind of talked about long distance thing that I'm doing. And this person is on mountain time. So it's already you know, it's only an hour. And we've talked about that. Like how would that work if it was three hours? We've literally had that conversation. I don't know that that would work because that's a lot of extra time, right? To to figure out you're already doing in the morning where maybe someone gets up earlier than the other one. So they're going a few hours without talking. You have your communications, but then they're going to bed and you're still up. You know, it's so it's weird. And that's only a one hour time difference.

Three hours. Oof. That's hard.

Amy Watts (: 05:21

Yeah, yeah, it will

expose some insecurities. This is where, you know, being aware of your attachment style, knowing your triggers, things like that.

Andrea Knoche (: 05:27

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 05:29

You know, I think about a couple of specific instances. I'd say, you know, I'm to go out with the girls or with my daughter or whatever, and, know, I'll probably

Andrea Knoche (: 05:35

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 05:36

be home around midnight or one. And it was this kind of like, OK, well, text me. Let me know you made it home. OK, you're safe. All

Andrea Knoche (: 05:40

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 05:41

those things. Well, I'm not going to do that. It's three. It's three a.m. for you.

If I get home at midnight or, you know, four

Andrea Knoche (: 05:44

Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 05:46

a.m., if it's one.

So those are considerations, but then it

Andrea Knoche (: 05:49

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 05:50

can kind of carry over into the next day if there are any insecurities like, well, you know, did you make it home safe? Were you out all night kind of thing?

Andrea Knoche (: 05:57

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 05:58

And I know it can sound ridiculous, but hearing these conversations out loud from someone else's perspective can bring these things up with you, bring these things up for you so that you can kind of proactively plan. And

Andrea Knoche (: 06:05

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 06:09

again, knowing, you know, what are, if this is a new dating relationship, we were deep in the relationship. So we knew each other already

Andrea Knoche (: 06:15

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 06:15

at that point.

But if this is something new, like it's going to expose those triggers potentially for

Andrea Knoche (: 06:21

Totally.

Amy Watts (: 06:22

you to see. And it's different to navigate that again, long distance.

Andrea Knoche (: 06:26

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 06:27

can't just be like, hey, let's meet for coffee and sit down and talk about this, where you can have kind of the energetic exchange. You can read the whole body language. You

Andrea Knoche (: 06:33

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 06:34

you can see when they shift a little bit differently in their chair. So you,

Andrea Knoche (: 06:38

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 06:38

think it requires being a little more attuned,

Andrea Knoche (: 06:41

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 06:42

really intentional and

and being able to read each other and not being afraid to question like, hey, what was that? I noticed that little shift there.

Andrea Knoche (: 06:50

That is the thing.

And you have to be that way because that's all you have, right? Is that trust when you have this long distance relationship? Because just like you said, you can't just show up randomly and you know check to see what they're doing or, you know, make those kind of efforts. So it it makes it very difficult if you don't have that trust to know that you guys are level and good. And I wanted to

Amy Watts (: 07:13

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 07:13

add, you with your communication fatigue also,

You know, when you are sitting on the couch and you have somebody right there and you're watching a show, you know, how much easier is that to not have to have this constant communication and things you're talking about? It allows you to be together without having to have this communication going on. But when you're long distance and you're having, you know, you're doing phone calls morning and night, I mean, how much can you talk about? Right. And so that makes

Amy Watts (: 07:42

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 07:42

it difficult too. You're almost having to constantly think of things.

you know, to talk about and go over. I dunno. It it's tricky. It's tricky.

Amy Watts (: 07:49

Exactly. It's less organic

for sure. And you don't have that time face to face where you're walking into the restaurant holding hands and you can kind of watch to see like, well, are they scanning the room for safety? Do they have, is there some PTSD here or are they checking out the girl in the...

Andrea Knoche (: 08:04

Do they have a family at home?

Amy Watts (: 08:08

So it brings up the awareness that there's so much that we learn about each other just by sharing a physical space that then, yeah. Now, pros and cons to this being long distance. Number one, I think that red flags can come up quicker. And that may sound counterintuitive, right? Because

Andrea Knoche (: 08:23

Yeah. Mm.

Amy Watts (: 08:25

it is easier to hide things. But as far as things like attachment style triggers,

communication challenges, I think those can expose themselves earlier because you're

Andrea Knoche (: 08:36

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 08:37

solely relying on, you know, showing up at the right time and

having

Andrea Knoche (: 08:41

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 08:42

the conversation and then the questions that come up if things aren't, you know, well, we said we were going to talk at seven and it's nine and I hadn't heard from you. So I think it can really kind of help expose some things earlier. And yes, other things, they could have a whole nother life happening and we don't know.

Andrea Knoche (: 08:55

Yes. How scary

is that, right? Which is

Amy Watts (: 09:01

It's real.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:02

real. But I also think that it's important to when you are having this long distance to not be in this completely structured relationship, right? Where you're talking at exactly the same times every day. Because for those people that are a little nervous about maybe there is, I I mean, I don't want to be skeptical and be like, you know, a naysayer, but that happens, right? Where people

all the time where people have a whole nother family at home, a whole nother life going on. How would you know they're in a completely different state,

Amy Watts (: 09:28

Mm-hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:30

right? And you're only talking at these specific times throughout the day. Well, that's easy to stay in line for that if he knows exactly when he's going to talk to you or she does, right? So you gotta be like mixing it up a little. Like

Amy Watts (: 09:42

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:43

just call on, you know, randomly and it shouldn't be an issue. It really shouldn't be an issue if you're just calling and you make it, you know,

Hi, I just missed you and wanted to talk to you or just I was thinking about you, just wondering what you're doing and make it this

Amy Watts (: 09:55

you

Andrea Knoche (: 09:55

light thing, but it's an off time. Do they answer? I don't know.

Amy Watts (: 09:59

Yeah, and that

leads to also laying out expectations. know, now I'm the girl, like don't FaceTime me without heads up because I may have the mask on and you know, the college t-shirt that's the collars gone off of

Andrea Knoche (: 10:07

Yeah. Yeah, don't do that call, but

Amy Watts (: 10:13

it. Yeah. So some things, you know, how scheduled to your point. Yeah. Do we want to be and what are the reasons behind that? Now? Yes, we're taking it to an extreme. Although those extremes happen for sure.

Andrea Knoche (: 10:22

We are. Yes.

Amy Watts (: 10:24

But on the flip side of that, think it does allow to, if you do have the structure in place, it allows you to see is there consistency between action and verbal commitment. Are

Andrea Knoche (: 10:33

Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 10:35

you really gonna show up the way that you said you were? I think it's easy to see too how much of a priority is this relationship. Now, again, if we're talking in the very beginning, very different story.

Andrea Knoche (: 10:46

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 10:46

You talk to each other every couple of days, not a big deal.

But if it's an established relationship and you've decided to move forward in this, especially if it's exclusive, yeah, you wanna see how do we prioritize each other here?

Andrea Knoche (: 10:59

Yeah. Yeah. And I love that you said that because that is really important to think about where you want the relationship to go, you know, and and making the efforts to not, I want to say to not totally put your life on hold for somebody too, right? Like you have

Amy Watts (: 11:14

Mm-hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 11:15

to really think about that stuff. And that one is important because you can be committed to someone without spending your entire life waiting for that FaceTime or or them to book a flight, right? And that's really, that's a really scary place to be.

When you are you know, you feel like you're fully invested, but you are kind of sitting there waiting all the time for them to call you or, you know, when are they gonna come see me? We don't have anything planned. And so when is it okay to kind of put your life on hold waiting for them? Or do you just go on about your day and everything you're doing and just, you know, I I guess you just gotta hope, well, they're gonna make a plan. But see, I

kind of think,

Amy Watts (: 11:52

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 11:53

I mean, if they haven't said anything, you don't have anything on the books or

calendar coming up of like when you're next gonna see somebody that to me is your red flag a little bit, right? Like I feel like

Amy Watts (: 12:06

think it comes back to,

so again, this situation, you wanna be so strong in who you are, with any relationship, but this is a place where, again, everything's magnified. You wanna

Andrea Knoche (: 12:16

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 12:17

have this whole, full, complete, fulfilling life, and this is an

Andrea Knoche (: 12:20

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 12:20

addition. So there is no putting your life on hold and waiting for them, because you've got this big, beautiful life that you're living already. This is an addition. That's

Andrea Knoche (: 12:27

Yes. Yes.

Amy Watts (: 12:30

where scheduling things, but also saying, call me.

I'll always do my best to answer. I'll at least text you and let you know, I'll call you back in 15 minutes. Yeah, but

Andrea Knoche (: 12:39

Mm, I love that. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 12:42

to your point, I know my personal opinion, do not put your life on hold for anything, right? We

Andrea Knoche (: 12:48

Right.

Amy Watts (: 12:49

don't know. But again, you can build this slowly over time. And that's the benefit too. If you do have this beautiful, fulfilling life and you're kind of like, yeah, this seems great, but like, I don't know that I want to create this massive space in my life for an everyday.

Andrea Knoche (: 13:02

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 13:04

you know, hours a day committed relationships, spending time together. It's

Andrea Knoche (: 13:07

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 13:08

a great solution to that too. So on the flip side, sometimes I think this can be the ideal situation for somebody, not from a lack of wanting to commit or being consistent, but more like this great life. And I want you to, how

Andrea Knoche (: 13:22

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 13:23

can we make this work where we both have our own lives and we get

Andrea Knoche (: 13:26

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 13:26

to share something together. And as that grows, then you kind of get to define it as it evolves.

Andrea Knoche (: 13:31

Yeah. such great points in there. I love that. That's so good because it's like, I think the hardest thing, just thinking about like the long distance, it's all this is all new for me. I'm not usually like down for long distance because I do like my person to be like, you know, there when I want them there. But I'm I'm not gonna lie, I'm really enjoying this long distance because I have become so secure in myself and what I've got going on.

My independence that it's allowing me to have the best of both worlds right now. So I'm getting to have this

Amy Watts (: 14:02

you

Andrea Knoche (: 14:05

independence, do what I want to do. We st I still get my needs met by our conversations, our FaceTime. That is amazing. and then the excitement of like planning things and getting to see each other and looking forward to that. I mean, this is great for me right now. I'm really enjoying this.

Amy Watts (: 14:24

But you said

something very key there. It's because you are more secure now. You do

Andrea Knoche (: 14:29

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 14:30

have this full life. And let me not say now is to say that you didn't before, but just your awareness that this is why this is working for me right now, because I realize how secure I am. I realize how full and beautiful my life is. And

Andrea Knoche (: 14:40

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 14:41

that, I think having that communication.

If

a person is aware of what their attachment style is and what their triggers are, those are things that you can kind of mitigate upfront. Like let's proactively plan for this, right? Now, you still need to go do your work on that, ma'am

Andrea Knoche (: 14:54

Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 14:57

or sir, because I'm not here to serve as your therapist.

Andrea Knoche (: 15:01

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 15:01

But can I tailor our communication times and our exchanges and what this looks like long distance to help support that? Absolutely.

Andrea Knoche (: 15:10

Mm, absolutely.

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 15:12

So it can

be a really cool opportunity for growth too.

Andrea Knoche (: 15:17

Yes. I think that's part of my excitement. It's, you know, because I

Amy Watts (: 15:21

Ugh.

Andrea Knoche (: 15:22

feel the growth within myself. And for the listeners who have been with me since the beginning, I'm sure they can sense this from me because I've shared my experiences with them, like along the way, right? With all of these crazy dates I've had, the jack in the box where I'm like, don't even know what I'm doing or how I even got out alive. And, you know, so there's so many stories along the way. And and so it feels

It feels so nice to be in a place of you know, where I feel the growth within me. I feel like I've accomplished what I set out to do. I feel like I can speak from a place of authenticity and really like talk to people like this is this is a marathon. It's not a sprint. Just keep going, keep going, keep going. And eventually, you know, you're gonna get to that point where you feel like I am good and I am gonna have somebody come into my life that compliments it in whatever way that is.

And if it's long distance, great. How do I make that work? Right. And so I love, I love the place that I'm in right now. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 16:22

Yes, and that's so

key to enjoying the journey of regardless of whether it's long distance or not, but in the long distance situation, enjoying that journey because if you guys, if two people who are dating long distance do end up together, like moving to the same place, this is a very special season that you'll probably never experience again. So it's kind of

Andrea Knoche (: 16:41

Yes, yes.

Amy Watts (: 16:43

like the beginning of any relationship when you sense it, that there's some serious potential there.

Andrea Knoche (: 16:49

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 16:49

I that is the very best time. It's like having a newborn, right? Like you just want to soak in every

Andrea Knoche (: 16:52

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 16:54

moment. You don't want to, there are moments you do want to rush to when they're like potty trained and going to school. But

Andrea Knoche (: 17:00

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 17:00

also, you know that that is never going to exist again. So like soaking it in can be really cool. You'll never have the excitement

Andrea Knoche (: 17:06

And and just enjoying it. It's so good.

Amy Watts (: 17:09

of like, my gosh, when's our next trip? I'm going to meet him at the airport. I'm going to pick her up at the airport. I can't wait to see her. It's been three weeks.

Andrea Knoche (: 17:15

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 17:16

It's really special.

Andrea Knoche (: 17:18

It's really special. It's it's a really neat feeling. It's really, really fun. I love it. But going back to the red flags, I'm gonna just talk a little bit more about that because we kind of talked about how they are often easier to hide from a distance, right? So you gotta be really careful about that because you're not seeing on like a normal Tuesday night. You don't know how they really live, who they're spending their time with, do their stories add up.

I mean, there's so much stuff. What are they like when they're stressed out? Because, you know, you're seeing the best of them. You're seeing, you know, just when you get there and you are doing stuff and you're having different, you're going out to different events and you're, you know, it's like you're on vacation, right? So do you get to see what that's like or how they treat people in everyday situations? There's so many things to look at. And you know, it's funny you and I were kind of talking about.

the long distance thing before and and I was saying that I have not seen any red flags, you know, in what I'm I'm going with. But then I had to stop and go, okay, but is that a red flag that I haven't seen any red flags?

Amy Watts (: 18:24

Love that question.

Andrea Knoche (: 18:26

Cause I, you know, I had to really think about that. And I'm like, my God, why why am I not seeing anything? There's got to be something. I don't know. Do you feel like there's truth to that? Does there have to be something? Am I overlooking something? I don't know.

Amy Watts (: 18:39

There doesn't

have to be something, I think it's checking the energy behind that, right? Like where's that question

Andrea Knoche (: 18:42

yeah.

Amy Watts (: 18:43

coming from? For you, it sounds like it was from a very healthy place of like, wait a minute, okay, like let me make sure this is true connection and not chemistry, right? Solely chemistry, of course we do want chemistry. But yeah,

Andrea Knoche (: 18:51

Yes, yes. We don't yeah.

Amy Watts (: 18:55

and remembering that inherently our brains are wired to solve problems, to find problems and solve them to keep us alive. So it makes

Andrea Knoche (: 19:03

Right.

Amy Watts (: 19:04

sense to say like, I don't see any red flags, is that a red flag?

Andrea Knoche (: 19:07

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 19:07

but

also I think it's safe because it's like, okay, let me check myself. Let me be an observer here, right? Let me stand back, remove

Andrea Knoche (: 19:12

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 19:14

myself emotionally, just kind of like with curiosity, go through the weekend or whatever time you had together. Or if you weren't together, go through the

Andrea Knoche (: 19:22

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 19:22

past week of communication, like, what did we talk about? Is there alignment from conversation to conversation? Do things switch? Do I see a lot of

Andrea Knoche (: 19:32

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 19:32

different variations and moods? So I think that's a great question.

Andrea Knoche (: 19:36

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 19:37

It

leads you to step back, observe, remove yourself emotionally and take a kind of a neutral, unbiased look at it in a way that is protective, but not from an energy of paranoia or trying to create problems. Like, let me find a problem

Andrea Knoche (: 19:52

No, we don't want to do that.

Amy Watts (: 19:55

so I can push this guy away before we get too close. Whatever your pattern might be, that's a really key point. Yeah,

Andrea Knoche (: 19:59

Your self sabotage, yeah.

Amy Watts (: 20:02

that's key too, to notice patterns in there.

They show up, also notice your own patterns. Like, am I

Andrea Knoche (: 20:09

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 20:09

repeating playing out something here that I've noticed and maybe they haven't picked up on it yet because we're long distance. They don't see me every day. Paying attention to patterns.

Andrea Knoche (: 20:16

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 20:19

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 20:19

that's so good. That's almost yeah. Like when you think about what you can get away with, there's a lot. You know, you only have to be a certain way. Yeah. I mean, you can. I mean, you

Amy Watts (: 20:27

Just say it like it is, Andrea. Think about what you do. It's true.

Andrea Knoche (: 20:32

can because you only have to be a certain way for a certain period of time. I mean, it's so it's a lot to think about. And also, you know, have you met their family or their friends? How do they introduce you? You know, that's a

That's kind of a big thing. You know, are they introducing if you've had that conversation where you're exclusive, you're only seeing each other. Are they introducing you as your girlfriend or boyfriend? Or are they like, this is my friend? Or they totally don't even ex introduce you at all. I mean, those are things to watch for, right? Because if they're if they're doing that, that would give me a little bit of, hmm, why didn't they say that? Are they afraid to introduce me that way? Is it because there's somebody else that might already have that title? You

don't know, you know.

Amy Watts (: 21:14

yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 21:14

But again,

that comes back to trust too, right? Like you have to have a lot of that.

Amy Watts (: 21:17

Well, which

is built through communication. So awareness on both people's parts, the communication, yeah, it's the loop. It is, it

Andrea Knoche (: 21:23

This is a circle.

Amy Watts (: 21:26

is. So what would you, I'll share mine as well, but some

Andrea Knoche (: 21:30

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 21:31

of the big pros to long distance, right? We've talked a lot about the challenges and they may have three wives in the basement, but what else could be? What are the good parts?

Andrea Knoche (: 21:33

Mm. Ooh. Yes. All the good stuff. It's possible. It's possible.

yeah, I okay, for me, it's the getting to enjoy the independence and but also, you know, knowing when we're gonna be together. that's always been a big thing for me. I will admit I'm a little bit of a workaholic.

Amy Watts (: 21:57

you

Andrea Knoche (: 21:57

I tend to just go.

There's and especially when you're working from home, right? Like there's not really a limit there. It somehow the time doesn't matter. You just keep going and going and going. And I could be sitting, no joke, on my couch. I'll be watching TV, but it could be 10, 11, 12 at night and I'm still doing away, right? but before when I would date somebody local, you know, there was, especially if they didn't have much going on, there was that expectation of like, hey, are you gonna come over at like four?

no, I was thinking seven, right? You're so far off, you know? And it almost that gave me anxiety, knowing that I was gonna have to like cut something short, maybe not get this done. That's gonna add added pressure to tomorrow's list of things to do and to go and sit with somebody just you know, to just sit there. So I really I'm

Amy Watts (: 22:45

Mm hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 22:47

loving that part of it, like that I still get to live my life, do the things that I need to do during the times that we're not together.

And then when we are together, I'm all in, you know, and I'm giving like a hundred percent. So I love that. I love the excitement of planning ahead. I'm very big on making sure that something is planned the next time before this time ends. I think that can take away that anxiety or the nervousness about like, are they gonna want to see me again? When am I gonna see them? If you already have it planned.

It just calms everything. And it just makes you feel like, okay, I know they want to see me again. I know we've already got the next thing going on, you know? And so I'm really enjoying that. I very much planned ahead a lot. and then also

Amy Watts (: 23:32

you

Andrea Knoche (: 23:33

I like just the excitement of the future of it. Like, where does this go? Do we do I move there? Does he move here? Do we, you know, how do we coexist? How long do we do this for? I know all of

those variables is very exciting to me as well. It just

It's it's it's good. I like it. I'm liking it

way more than I thought I would, Amy. So what do you like?

Amy Watts (: 23:55

Yeah. Well, and that goes to speak

to the security piece too, because I'm with you and the excitement of knowing like, where is this gonna go? That could cause other

Andrea Knoche (: 24:05

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 24:06

people some serious anxiety of like, I can't

Andrea Knoche (: 24:07

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 24:08

handle this. Like, I don't know.

but I'm with you, think that excitement. And again, remembering that like this is such a fresh season.

Andrea Knoche (: 24:14

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 24:14

another thing

Andrea Knoche (: 24:14

yeah.

Amy Watts (: 24:15

to think about, well, talking about the pros. So it's not really switching gears, but it's getting, just getting really specific

Andrea Knoche (: 24:17

It it's okay. The good stuff.

Amy Watts (: 24:21

around that. Yeah, the good stuff. So how do you keep the spark alive, the physical spark? So if you

Andrea Knoche (: 24:26

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 24:26

have had multiple visits or whatever your time or whatever your chosen timeline is for having sex with this person, how do you then like,

How do you maintain that? That spark, know, that anticipation. I

Andrea Knoche (: 24:36

Yes, yes.

Amy Watts (: 24:40

think that, you know, my experience with my guy was that that was both a pro and a con, right? Like

Andrea Knoche (: 24:45

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 24:46

it was the fun of like, you could really build the anticipation. And I think it brings the level of flirting because now we are in the same space geographically.

Andrea Knoche (: 24:56

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 24:56

So we're not long distance anymore. And it, we've actually had this conversation a couple of times recently of like, wait a minute.

Like what happened to the sexy, flirty texts and the, right? And the like compliments,

Andrea Knoche (: 25:05

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 25:08

not that they stopped, but you know, when you see each

Andrea Knoche (: 25:11

Few and far between.

Amy Watts (: 25:11

other every day, I think it does shift that. So, but that's a

Andrea Knoche (: 25:15

Yeah, yeah.

Amy Watts (: 25:16

fun part of it, right?

Andrea Knoche (: 25:17

Yes, yes. I'm glad you you brought that up because I love talking about sex, first of all. But you had no idea

Amy Watts (: 25:22

Really?

Andrea Knoche (: 25:25

this was my forte. no, I I agree because there is that buildup, which for me, I am all about the foreplay when it comes to sex. That's my favorite part of it. So for me, the in between feels like the foreplay, you know, before we get there.

Amy Watts (: 25:41

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 25:41

And so I love that anticipation.

and I think that you can keep the fire burning, you know, by having little date nights. You know, we've done that where we'll just, you know, we just sit, we're both on FaceTime, you know, maybe you have a drink or, you know, a little snack or something. And you you do little things. You can play those little card games where you're asking each other questions, you're doing a little dare, you gotta, you know, take down your pants and turn around and whatever. You know, I can see that on FaceTime. That's great. And how exciting to be able to look, but not

Touch. Like that's exciting in itself, right? So

Amy Watts (: 26:15

Mm.

Andrea Knoche (: 26:17

you can do little things like that. I've talked about doing a playlist together, creating your own little sexy time playlist. So the next time you are together, you have your music lined up, everything is ready to go. And it's something you pick together and enjoy doing together. also like cooking together or something, right? Like you could set your phone up and be cooking the same, the same dinner together and enjoying that. That's a very sexy thing to do, I think.

Amy Watts (: 26:29

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 26:45

and so then when you get to that point, I'm like ready to go. And then that's great because you get all the time with them when you're there and you get that all out of your system. You get, you know, you get enough so you can last to the next time. And so all of that, I've enjoying all of this.

Amy Watts (: 26:59

Yeah. I think that's

awesome. I think I remember too, it leveled up the communication about what

Andrea Knoche (: 27:07

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 27:08

the preferences, not so much preferences, but really like, I really like that. remember

Andrea Knoche (: 27:13

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 27:13

when that, like that was great. So I think

Andrea Knoche (: 27:16

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 27:17

it,

You know, it levels up the communication around sex versus just the experience, is

Andrea Knoche (: 27:23

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 27:24

enhances the experience. Fantastic.

Andrea Knoche (: 27:26

Yeah,

so good. And because the communication is really big for so many reasons that we've talked about, just so that you have the level of trust, you don't have the anxiety, you're all on the same page, but also that it creates this foundation and this safe space to be able to talk about, you know, the things that you guys maybe want to do together sexually at some point. What are your past sexual experiences? What is it that you like? Do you want me to bring a toy next time?

When I come to see you, do you want to go get a toy together that we can enjoy? You know, it's all of that anticipation plus the, you know, hey, wow, you look so sexy tonight. Or, you know, I I find myself funny, you know, doing little things when you're on FaceTime and you try to sneak a little photo when when they're like getting like getting into bed or something with no shirt on, just looking sexy, but then it tells it either tells them or it, you know,

Amy Watts (: 28:19

You can, you know, yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 28:21

I know.

That it didn't, but for good reason it does, obviously.

Amy Watts (: 28:26

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 28:27

but I think that's also, you know, a little bit of the fun and the excitement that you are seeing but can't touch. It's that taboo, and just like,

Amy Watts (: 28:35

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 28:37

what are you doing there? You know, I like that. What are you wearing right now? All of that stuff foreplay. It's what it is for me. I love it. I love it.

Amy Watts (: 28:44

It's so good. Yeah. And even

like having conversations when you're each in bed in your respective places and it's like, I like to light this candle. I love this scent or I like the

Andrea Knoche (: 28:54

You're learning.

Amy Watts (: 28:55

light soft. Yeah, you're learning. I love the fresh sheets. I love satin pillowcases. Those little things

Andrea Knoche (: 29:00

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 29:01

that you would notice if you were together day to day and you'd probably pick up on it. But having this

Andrea Knoche (: 29:04

Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 29:06

heads up is really helpful. Then you show up next time with the toy and the satin pillowcases.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:11

And that's it.

Perfect. Perfect.

Amy Watts (: 29:13

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:14

Do you think that there is a way to know if you're compatible in normal life, if you've never actually like experienced this normal life together? Like how do you know if you're if you're good? I don't know. Have you like the little things? Sorry, go ahead.

Amy Watts (: 29:28

Yeah, I mean, best, yeah,

no, I was just saying best case scenario, I mean, this could be challenging for people to work out, right? But if you get to

Andrea Knoche (: 29:37

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 29:37

the point where you're having a conversation of like, okay, let's, know, we're ready to start talking about living in the same geographic location or it's under the same roof together.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:46

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 29:46

If you can have more extended time together, right? Like I know your work is remote for the most part, right? Or for the...

Andrea Knoche (: 29:49

Mm. Yeah. So easy.

Amy Watts (: 29:54

All, yeah, so it's

Andrea Knoche (: 29:55

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 29:55

very easy for you. could be like, yeah, I can come for a weekend. We could just like literally do daily life. I think that's

Andrea Knoche (: 30:00

Totally.

Amy Watts (: 30:01

best case scenario. And to your point to yes, before there's a conversation about moving somewhere, I wanna meet your friends. wanna meet whoever's in your day-to-day life. Like it's

Andrea Knoche (: 30:07

Yes, important to you. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 30:10

really important that we know because when we are engaging and if we're talking either marriage or just long-term commitment, it's not just that person, right? You're also

Andrea Knoche (: 30:19

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 30:20

integrating your traps, your circles with each other.

Andrea Knoche (: 30:23

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 30:24

So,

Andrea Knoche (: 30:24

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 30:25

and whoever is leaving their previous location is losing part of that in their day to day. So knowing

Andrea Knoche (: 30:31

They are

Amy Watts (: 30:33

that they're, of course you're going to build your own circle. You never want to rely on each other to fulfill every need in your life. So,

Andrea Knoche (: 30:40

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 30:41

but as you're building your tribe in your new place, is their circle welcoming of you? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel like you belong?

Andrea Knoche (: 30:49

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 30:50

I think those are really key pieces. yeah, those extended visits would be super helpful and intentional.

Andrea Knoche (: 30:54

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 30:55

Like, hey, when I'm there next time, can we like a barbecue in the backyard and invite everybody over.

Andrea Knoche (: 31:01

Mm, great idea. Yeah, I love that. So do you think there's a certain time that it makes sense to figure out, okay, who is moving? Like without rushing things, because the this puts more of a timeline on it, feels like, right? Like,

Amy Watts (: 31:15

It does.

Andrea Knoche (: 31:15

yeah, because it is getting, you know, you are making so much more effort to be intentional and and make each other priority and do all these things, but it also includes money.

Right. Like it's it's expensive to keep going back and forth, to plan trips, to do that. So so you have to think about all that stuff. And so I think because of those things, people tend to rush it and they're like, okay, well, let's just we might as well just, you know, live together, figure out you come here, I'll go there, so that we don't have to do that. Do you

Amy Watts (: 31:42

you

Andrea Knoche (: 31:43

think there's a point when it's too soon? Do you think, you know, how how do you know who should make that move first? I don't know.

Amy Watts (: 31:51

There are so many layers to that. As far

as who should make the move first, like, I mean, it depends. Is one person remote? Does one person have to find an in-person job if they were to move? Does one person

Andrea Knoche (: 32:00

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 32:01

just have a lease and the other one has a home that they own that they would need to sell? You know, there are so many.

Andrea Knoche (: 32:05

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 32:06

Is one person taking care of aging parents where they live? And they really can't. So there are a lot of layers, right, to that.

Andrea Knoche (: 32:10

So many variables, yeah.

Amy Watts (: 32:12

But as far as timeline, I mean, again, guess what this is going to come back to, Andrea?

Andrea Knoche (: 32:17

Communication What

Amy Watts (: 32:18

Communication. Yeah, right, because it does, I

think it can compress the timeline now. If money is not a factor or if you're able to just build this into your budget, know, maybe you give up the $500 a month Pilates club membership and you

Andrea Knoche (: 32:33

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 32:34

use that as that's like now your flight once a month and they come to you. You know what I mean? So it doesn't

Andrea Knoche (: 32:36

Yes. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 32:38

necessarily have to compress the timeline, but it certainly can. So in that case, I think it's.

You know, there can be baby steps to that too. It could be, I'm gonna sublease my apartment and I'm gonna rent an apartment where you are,

Andrea Knoche (: 32:50

Mmm, see how it goes.

Amy Watts (: 32:52

right? Instead of, I'm gonna sell everything in my life and I'm gonna move in with you. So you can have

Andrea Knoche (: 32:57

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 32:59

some baby steps and maintain a bit of a safety net in your home location if you choose to as well, if you would

Andrea Knoche (: 33:05

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 33:06

have a desire to go back there.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:08

great, great answer. Yeah. I think that I'd have to agree with that. I I don't think there is any specific timeline. I think you just need to see how things go. I think you need to be having that conversation, even though it may seem heavy in the beginning. You guys gotta know that you are at some point aligned, right? Like if the other person is never planning on moving and maybe you're never planning on moving, that's a problem. Like you might as well just get

Amy Watts (: 33:31

Yeah. Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:33

out of

Amy Watts (: 33:35

Yeah, those are

Andrea Knoche (: 33:35

You know.

Amy Watts (: 33:35

conversations like, okay, we both decide, and I think maybe we hit on this in part one, but we both

Andrea Knoche (: 33:39

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 33:40

decided to date long distance. So if we are looking for lifelong partnership, I am willing to move, you are not. Okay, that's clear. Would I wanna

Andrea Knoche (: 33:48

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 33:49

move to Boise, Idaho or Des Moines, Iowa? Like, I don't know, you know? Or are

Andrea Knoche (: 33:53

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. That's a tough one.

Amy Watts (: 33:56

we both willing to...

go

to a brand new location and build life together. Like that's super fun too. Yeah, I love that idea.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:59

Fun. That's fun. That sounds so good. I like that.

So to wind this down, how do you know when it's time to call it? When an it's

Amy Watts (: 34:12

and

Andrea Knoche (: 34:13

not that anything has happened, nobody's cheated. There's no, I mean you still love each other, but it's phased out. Let's say that, right? Like the the phone calls are getting further and further apart. The efforts aren't being made as much. When do you

Kind of call that, do you think?

Amy Watts (: 34:30

Yeah, I think this is my soapbox, right? This is my everything, right? First, you're gonna

Andrea Knoche (: 34:34

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 34:35

listen to the messaging that your body is giving you. you notice the anxiety ramping up, if you notice your energy has shifted, you're feeling a little more low after interactions

Andrea Knoche (: 34:44

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 34:46

or missed interactions, right? Trust

Andrea Knoche (: 34:48

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 34:49

yourself and at all costs, you come first. At all

Andrea Knoche (: 34:53

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 34:54

costs, you come first. If this is not, if you know that you're showing up the way that you want to, right?

Andrea Knoche (: 34:58

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 35:00

and you're not feeling like things are reciprocated or you're feeling like things are not aligned, actions and words are not aligned. I think it's very important to not make excuses, to have those conversations right up front and to be really clear of like, hey, this is how I'm feeling and I'm not willing to continue in a relationship

Andrea Knoche (: 35:17

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 35:18

where I feel this way this frequently.

Andrea Knoche (: 35:20

Yeah. yeah. Absolutely. It's just, yeah, just pay attention. Right. Pay attention to what's going on, especially the other the other person, kind of see where they're coming from because they could be the one that's pulling back. Things are changing. You got to pay attention to that. And again, communication. Right.

Amy Watts (: 35:34

Yeah. Yeah. I think another really

big one, and we missed this earlier. I missed this earlier, but you know, this is, this is different too. You're not meeting a happy hour where maybe some of your coworkers or your girlfriends and stuff are. So this is a very isolated, potentially

Andrea Knoche (: 35:48

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 35:50

a very isolated relationship. Bring additional eyes in on it, right? If it's,

Andrea Knoche (: 35:55

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 35:56

if, it's just you going to visit them and it's just these phone and text communications and your girlfriends or your people are not seeing some of this.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:03

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 36:04

Ask for some insight. I think that's really important too. Or make sure that when

Andrea Knoche (: 36:06

Yes. That's great. Great idea.

Amy Watts (: 36:09

you do visit, know, when they come to you, hey, we're gonna go out to eat with my friends tonight too. Like I know we only have these three days together, but it's also really

Andrea Knoche (: 36:14

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 36:16

important that my people meet you.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:18

Yeah, I love that. I think that's a great idea. Yeah. So do you think final question here, would you rather have an amazing relationship with someone who lives two thousand miles away or just a pretty good relationship with someone who can actually be there? That's what's

Amy Watts (: 36:34

Girl, I'll

have an amazing relationship with somebody on another planet before I'll settle for meh. Because again, you have this big, beautiful life.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:39

Ha ha ha we'd rather have that any day. Meh.

Amy Watts (: 36:44

You've done this work. You have the deepest self-love. You know how to enjoy yourself. You've got your people. You've got all of these creative outlets. And this relationship is an addition. Never is that, would you, if you had a whole buffet in front of you, your favorite foods

Andrea Knoche (: 36:57

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 36:59

and.

two foods that you just kinda sorta liked every once in while. Are you gonna put waste plate space for

Andrea Knoche (: 37:05

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 37:06

the men foods? No, we want the good stuff, girlfriend. We are here for the good shit, okay? This is our one

wild and precious life. We are going to live at large.

Andrea Knoche (: 37:14

Go for

it. So go for it and make it happen, right? I love it. No meh in our life. We're not taking that. No meh. So I think the biggest takeaway here is that long distance can absolutely work. We've shown that with everything we've talked about, but it cannot be the permanent plan here. At some point there has to be some kind of movement and not just the flights and the FaceTimes, right? so I think they need to just

Read through, listen to all of these, read through the transcript that I'll have in there just to kind of really get a sense of self on this. And if you are in a long distance relationship, you know, make note of all of these things. Write them all down and look and go, is this what I'm experiencing in what I'm in right now? And if it's not, then you really need to take a second look at that because we don't want to be in a meh relationship, which is exactly what that could be at that point.

Amy Watts (: 38:04

Yes. Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 38:10

Right.

Amy Watts (: 38:11

Yes,

going through, listening to both of these episodes and every time we ask a question, write that down and answer it. Or keep it to reflect on, know, maybe reflect on it

Andrea Knoche (: 38:16

Yes. So good.

Amy Watts (: 38:18

repeatedly. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of gold in this to pull out. Good stuff.

Andrea Knoche (: 38:21

Lot, a lot of gold. So

yes, good stuff. Amy, where can they find you? You always have such great insight. I love it. So good, so good.

Amy Watts (: 38:29

thank you, thank you, thank you. can find me

on Instagram at so she did life coaching. You can find me on Facebook under Amy Watts and launching soon. I don't know when this podcast is going to be released. So if you

Andrea Knoche (: 38:39

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 38:39

check out this website and it's not yet launched, it will be soon. But mind body, soul, school.com is my next

Andrea Knoche (: 38:45

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 38:46

offering. So that is where you will find some really great stuff. And that course will help you.

Get to the place where we just talked about all these things where you will know the answers because you will be so attuned.

Andrea Knoche (: 38:54

Yes. my god.

Amy Watts (: 38:57

yeah, mindbuddiesoulschool.com.

Andrea Knoche (: 38:59

Mindbody Soul School.com. I love that. You have the best courses and everything for everybody to really

Amy Watts (: 39:06

Thank you.

Andrea Knoche (: 39:06

get in tune with themselves. So thank you for sharing that. We'll have it all in the show notes for everybody. And for those of you guys that are listening, if you've ever done long distance, like message us, send us a DM and email at from misses to Ms. Podcast at gmail.com, or you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at from dot misses dot the number two.

We want to hear from you. Like, are we are we on with this stuff? Or are we? I'm pretty sure we are. I'm pretty sure we are. But

Amy Watts (: 39:30

Maybe not. Let's hear it.

Andrea Knoche (: 39:34

we might have missed the book on something. So let us know. And we will talk to you guys next week. All right. Have a good one. Bye-bye.