Can Long-Distance Relationships Actually Work? The Truth About Trust, Effort & Making It Last

Andrea Knoche (: 00:00

Okay, so what if the right person lives in the wrong zip code? Long distance relationships can feel incredibly exciting until, of course, reality sets in. The waiting, the wondering, the missed moments. So today, on from Mrs. to Miz, I have my good friend Amy Watts joining me here once again. And we are talking about whether long distance can actually work, what makes it actually fall apart.

And the signs that you're building a real relationship instead of just a fantasy. Hi, my friend Amy. How are you, sweetheart?

Amy Watts (: 00:32

Hello, I am so

excited to jump into this topic with you. This is something that I've experienced and I

I know that it's something that you haven't maybe delved into on the podcast. So this is gonna be

Andrea Knoche (: 00:42

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 00:43

a super cool conversation, so many angles to look at it. So excited. Let's do this.

Andrea Knoche (: 00:47

Excited.

I love this. And yeah, when this one came to mind, I was like, gosh, I don't think I've ever really talked about long distance relationships very much. Now I have not really been in one. So I, you know, not really knowing what it's like. I'm dabbling in one at the moment. So we're gonna see where that goes. but I it's juicy, it's juicy,

Amy Watts (: 01:07

That sounds juicy.

Andrea Knoche (: 01:10

it's exciting, it's exciting. You know me, I'm like.

I'm like hesitant to say too much. I don't like jinxing things or, you know, anything like that. But I'm really I'm actually enjoying it and and wondering if this is really what I was meant to do all along. Like this fits my lifestyle so much more than I probably thought it would, I think.

Amy Watts (: 01:31

That's interesting because when you hear a long distance relationship, I think the experiences that I've had in in those conversations is people tend to think of it as a it's a struggle, it's a challenge, a really hard thing to do. But you just mentioned

Andrea Knoche (: 01:44

Totally.

Amy Watts (: 01:44

maybe this is exactly what I need right now. Say more.

Andrea Knoche (: 01:47

Mm-hmm.

Yes. Well, I've always thought of it that way, like a struggle, like, that just sounds hard. How do you make it work? Cause you have to, you know, mentally, you have to make effort. You have to be okay financially to make those efforts. You have to be so consistent and intentional about it all that it's it is a lot of work. And you have to be in the right mindset. You have to be prepared for it in so many different ways. And so, you know, I know that you have done it in the past.

And so we're gonna kind of talk about the the contrast of it, right? Like doing of doing long distance right off the bat when you don't even know each other, but then also because you already were in a relationship with somebody when it became a long distance. So how you kind of went about that, right? That's kind of our difference here. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 02:34

I also I did have when I first started dating, it was pretty much all long distance. So I can speak to a couple different a couple

Andrea Knoche (: 02:40

so this is good.

Amy Watts (: 02:41

different perspectives on it. Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 02:43

Okay, good. We've got this covered on every angle because I'm just like the new one. I'm learning as I'm going. I'm trying not to be too excited to jump ahead of myself, but also be in the moment and really enjoy it, you know? So, okay, let's start with yours then. Like tell me about or tell the listeners, I guess, about what that looked like for you and both scenarios, even so we can kind of get a feel for what we're talking.

Amy Watts (: 03:08

Yeah, I think, you know, as with any topic of conversation, maybe even defining like what does long distance mean? Does that mean they live an hour away? Or is it a flight away? Right.

Andrea Knoche (: 03:17

Okay. What was it at the time for you?

Amy Watts (: 03:19

Yeah. So let me take let me take you way back, Andrea, to when I first started dating post-divorce. So it's probably thinking, woo, well played. Well played.

Andrea Knoche (: 03:22

Okay, go go the distance. Go way back. Take go the distance.

Amy Watts (: 03:30

So yeah, let me take you to 2022.

Andrea Knoche (: 03:33

Okay.

Amy Watts (: 03:33

so

I lived about two and a half hours south of Chicago and I knew I wasn't staying in the area. Also a semi like a mid-sized city. but you know, the pool is small, right? So

Andrea Knoche (: 03:44

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 03:44

I knew I wasn't going to date there. So I knew immediately when I started, I say that, but then I ended up dating someone for a year who I was introduced to by a mutual friend. But outside of that one person, I knew

Andrea Knoche (: 03:55

yeah.

Amy Watts (: 03:56

it was going to be quote long distance. So that for me at that point meant a two and a half hour drive to

Andrea Knoche (: 04:00

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 04:01

Chicago.

Where the pool is definitely larger, right? So

Andrea Knoche (: 04:02

Ooh. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 04:04

that was long distance to me at that point. That lasted about I I dated in that realm for, you know, I don't know, nine months to a year probably. Beyond that, my experience with long distance dating was yes, a flight is required. So to your point,

Andrea Knoche (: 04:17

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 04:18

you have to consider things like, do I have the time away from work? I was not an entrepreneur at the time, right? So

Andrea Knoche (: 04:22

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 04:24

is Friday

evening to Sunday afternoon gonna be enough time and considering

Andrea Knoche (: 04:29

Enough.

Amy Watts (: 04:30

flights and do I have to have connecting flights. So you really kind of gotta

Andrea Knoche (: 04:32

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 04:33

get into the weeds of the logistics sometimes to even figure out how

Andrea Knoche (: 04:35

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 04:36

it's gonna work. If you are both in a traditional nine to five, I think it makes it super challenging. if one or both are entrepreneurs and have some remote freedom, can be a really different game, right? So

Andrea Knoche (: 04:44

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 04:47

those things to consider. So yes, then I dated largely in Atlanta in the Atlanta

Andrea Knoche (: 04:52

Okay.

Amy Watts (: 04:52

area because I was intending to move there as soon as

life circumstances allowed. So it yeah, it was challenging in

Andrea Knoche (: 05:00

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 05:01

the sense of like, okay, we would we would connect on the app or have some phone conversations and then set the time to, I would go there to visit usually now I know there are probably some little spidey senses perking up there. Like, wait a minute, why did you go there? Because

Andrea Knoche (: 05:16

Hmm.

Amy Watts (: 05:16

I knew that's where I was intending to move. So it made sense, right?

Andrea Knoche (: 05:19

Okay. Okay.

So we're getting a feel for it. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 05:21

There was always a hotel involved

and things like that. So it it was costly. I never paid for any of it. that's not true.

Andrea Knoche (: 05:26

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 05:28

That's not true. I did I did a few times, part of parts of it,

Andrea Knoche (: 05:30

Okay. Okay.

Amy Watts (: 05:32

out of pride, probably. But yeah, so understanding the logistics, the time factor, the financial resources. And then there's this weird like you know, if you're dating someone locally, like you are in a large area, right, with lots

Andrea Knoche (: 05:46

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 05:46

of people and lots of great things to do, lots of great date spots.

It's easy to date casually and just be like, yeah, it's just, you know, I want to have somebody to try out new restaurants and go to the farmer's market on Sunday and things like that. But when you're talking about distance, it's different. There has to kind of be some mutual intent, I think. So it

Andrea Knoche (: 06:04

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 06:05

might speed up some of those conversations that you wouldn't typically have. Okay. So we can dig into the weeds around all that. So there's

Andrea Knoche (: 06:09

Very true. Okay.

Amy Watts (: 06:11

that side of my experience with long distance. The other side, I met, I was still living in.

in Illinois and

Andrea Knoche (: 06:21

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 06:21

knew that I was moving to Charlotte, North Carolina. So I had set the app to travel mode. No well, I didn't know I was going to move there at that point, but I was going to visit for a long weekend. And so I had set the app to travel mode like, I don't know, like maybe a week or so before I went.

Andrea Knoche (: 06:37

Okay.

Amy Watts (: 06:37

And connected with someone, we chatted. this individual Okay, tell me more. Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 06:40

Wait, that's a smart move. I'm sorry, I just want to interject there. That's a smart,

yeah, that's a smart move to do that with the dating app. If there's somewhere that you feel you are going, you're you're wanting to move to and wanting to settle down and you're gonna go visit it and you wanna kind of see what they have to offer, you can set your travel

Amy Watts (: 06:57

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 06:58

mode. I think only on Bumble, I don't know if there's other ones that you can set the travel mode to. I'm not sure. Okay. Yeah, so probably Bumble.

Amy Watts (: 07:04

I only was ever on Bumble and Match and Match was minimal. So I bumble was what I was on most of the

time.

Andrea Knoche (: 07:09

So

you could set it ahead of time, set yourself

Amy Watts (: 07:11

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 07:12

up with a couple of dates to learn the city and have somebody to hang out with when you're there. Love that. Great idea. Okay.

Amy Watts (: 07:16

Yes. Yes. And I knew it was

just casual because at that point I was I in the back of my mind I was considering like this might be a place I would move to, but I

Andrea Knoche (: 07:25

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 07:25

wasn't there yet. So it was, it was casual. Like it was literally like, hey, I'd love to have somebody go out with a date, go out on a date with this this long

Andrea Knoche (: 07:31

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 07:31

weekend. So met this person and they actually own like a transportation business and do like airport pickups. So they picked me up from the airport, right? It worked out really well.

Andrea Knoche (: 07:41

Okay, that's convenient. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 07:45

So, you know, we we hung out a lot that weekend and c continued communication when I came back

Andrea Knoche (: 07:50

huh.

Amy Watts (: 07:50

home after that weekend. I not because of the date, but after that weekend I did decide I crossed it Lena off the list and I and I just knew in my heart like North Carolina was where I wanted to be. So

Andrea Knoche (: 08:01

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 08:02

it quickly turned into I moved like a month later. So it really, you know, that long distance was short. And and again, I didn't make the move because of the relationship, but the relationship

Andrea Knoche (: 08:12

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 08:13

continued.

That makes sense. Okay. Fast forward

Andrea Knoche (: 08:14

Got it. Got it. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 08:16

to my other experience then with this same person. Last year in 2025, I spent in California, which thankfully that is how we met, right? And

Andrea Knoche (: 08:25

Hmm

Amy Watts (: 08:27

so in my time there, we were we were together when I left, when I moved.

Andrea Knoche (: 08:31

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 08:32

And so, you know, you can imagine there were a lot of tears. I was actually living, we were living together at the time. So a lot

Andrea Knoche (: 08:36

Yes, yeah.

Amy Watts (: 08:38

of tears, a lot of unknowns, a lot of

Looking back, there were a lot more conversations that this conversation we are having right now will

Andrea Knoche (: 08:46

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 08:47

serve others in like, hey, y'all grab your grab your notepad, your notes app on your phone and

Andrea Knoche (: 08:51

Yeah, take notes on this.

Amy Watts (: 08:53

take some notes here on some some really important conversations to have because we

Andrea Knoche (: 08:55

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 08:56

we didn't have, we had some, we didn't have them all.

Andrea Knoche (: 08:58

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 09:00

we broke up a couple months into the relationship. And I will say that for sure the distance played a part in that.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:08

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 09:09

I think it created

Andrea Knoche (: 09:09

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 09:10

some extra stress and it brought up some insecurities on both parts that

Andrea Knoche (: 09:16

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 09:17

were easy to ignore when we lived together. Right.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:20

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 09:21

When we were literally could not have been further apart. This is East Coast to West Coast, right? North Carolina to California. So that

Andrea Knoche (: 09:25

Yes. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 09:28

definitely brought up some insecurities that I do think contributed to I actually chose to end the relationship at that point.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:35

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 09:36

Two months later.

Andrea Knoche (: 09:37

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 09:39

Back out to them. Actually, there was a an unfortunate circumstance. We had a mutual friend who was passing. And so there was some communication about just you know that situation. And in those conversations, I was like, What do you what do you think about getting back together? Right. So thankfully he was open to it. So from that point, we did

Andrea Knoche (: 09:55

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 09:58

about six months of intentional committed relationship, totally long distance. Those are my experiences. And then

Andrea Knoche (: 10:05

Yes. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 10:08

we can kind of go into the nuts and bolts of that, the the wins, the losses, the challenges.

Andrea Knoche (: 10:11

Hey.

Yes. Okay. So interesting. Interesting. So we have it before when you were doing the little bit of long distance before the relationship was really anything. And then later when it was already built into something, and then just kind of keeping that consistent and making it sustainable, trying to figure out how to do that, right? And so then we have those phases covered. And then we have me who's just starting out.

in a in a long distance that I've never done before. And I'm just giving the basics today on it, you know, a little bit on it. and for me, I feel like it's almost it feels like that show Love is Blind is what it's been feeling like.

Amy Watts (: 10:53

Mm.

Andrea Knoche (: 10:55

Where and I don't know if you've seen that one, but they p everybody goes into a a cubicle or cube type thing and they're talking to somebody like behind the wall, right? Or or through a wall. And you don't get to see what they look like. You're just

Learning their personality and and building from there. Well, in my particular case, I did get to see what he looked like, which definitely helped, right? So there was already that attraction there. But the foundation and the conversations we've had and the trust that we've already built and the consistency just from being able to have like those particular conversations, both knowing that we align and we're on the same page and we both want the same end game.

That is what has just been amazing to get it to where it's at right now. It just feels very comfortable. It feels very easy and content. It doesn't feel like he states away. You know what I mean? It just doesn't feel like that. It feels like maybe he's gone on a little vacation and then he'll be back. And so we've already been very intentional about setting, you know, time to see each other and making the plans and, you know, being very cognizant of of all of it, like work and and you know.

family or you know, taking up family time or your weekend or spending money. I mean, you have to look at all of those things because those are the very things that will kind of send it in the wrong direction if it doesn't work out, right? Like the moment little things start falling apart, I think you start looking at those bigger things and go, Yeah, well it's costing me a lot of money to go there. And those become the argument pieces. so we've just been trying to be very intentional. That's our word of the year to just really focus on

What we both want out of this and understanding that it is going to take the work, the time, the effort, and that we're

Amy Watts (: 12:38

Mm-hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 12:38

both willing to put into that. And we're already making all of those adjustments. I said to you earlier, the bar is set so high right now, and he is so far above that bar that it's just been amazing. Right. And I'm trying not to like get too much into the future and start, you know, thinking about that. But we also talked about that you have to have those conversations at some point too. So

From there, let's just talk about, you know, certain things that we know can either make or break a long distance relationship. Right. And there's things that you have to be very cognizant about and know that if you do not stay consistent or keep that up, it's going to fall apart because it's too easy to do that. So something

Amy Watts (: 13:20

I heard

Andrea Knoche (: 13:21

that I actually brought up to him very early on is one thing I want to talk about today, which is the fantasy versus the reality of where you're at.

And especially when you're making these efforts to fly to see each other and you have all of these things planned. You're coming for the weekend, you've got, you know, one thing after the other planned. You're gonna spend all this fun time doing all of these things, which is great and fun, but are you leaving enough time to make the connection to like really focus on, you know, you two without all of the fluff? And what is that gonna look like? And I think that comes a little bit later.

Would you agree? I think that in the beginning, that's fine. You're just gonna have fun, see if you connect, you're compatible, you're enjoying doing things. But as it goes on, you gotta get a little bit more real, really. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 14:11

Yeah, for sure. There is a cadence

to it that is going to be a different rate of speed than if

Andrea Knoche (: 14:16

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 14:17

you are in person because even in in a in a local, I guess is what we call the opposite of long distance relationship in a local relationship. I don't know, it sounds a little it sounds a

Andrea Knoche (: 14:22

Yeah. Local relationship. That's a good one.

Amy Watts (: 14:26

little in industrial, but okay.

Andrea Knoche (: 14:29

It's

a good one.

Amy Watts (: 14:30

But in in a relationship where you're both in the same city, there's still a honeymoon period, right?

Andrea Knoche (: 14:35

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 14:36

But then it it can get into little things like, but she shows up or let me rephrase that, he shows up 15 minutes late every time. Or,

Andrea Knoche (: 14:42

Yes. Mm.

Amy Watts (: 14:45

you know, we're sitting at dinner and there's this awkward like who's paying? Or I

Andrea Knoche (: 14:50

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 14:51

noticed that when we're in the same room together for extended periods of time.

There's very little interaction and she's on her phone or he's on his phone most of the time, right? So you don't have the opportunity to pick

Andrea Knoche (: 15:01

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 15:02

up that data. So the cadence is a little bit different. I think you have to build in intentional, like you said, some intentional kind of everyday lifetime so that you don't

Andrea Knoche (: 15:13

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 15:13

end up with just a bunch of highlight reels and that's what you're basing the foundation of the relationship on, right?

Andrea Knoche (: 15:18

Yes,

yes. It's so great because that's so easy to do. You're thinking always about the good stuff. You know, we say that even when you you break up, all you think about is the good stuff. And that's why you have the desire to get back, right? So so that's what's kind of happening there. And and so many great points in what you just said that you need to look at all of those little things. As you're saying them, I'm running it through my mind, you know, going, okay, ooh, did we do that? Did we do that? And again, we've been very intentional. So I know we've done all of those things so far. but

It is important to make sure that you have that time and because you have to watch how, or not even how, is this somebody that I can see in my everyday life? And that's a big one for me because I think, is this someone I can see hanging out with me and my kids? Because I'm I'm big with hanging out my kid with my kids. We go to a lot of movies, we like to watch Bachelor together, we have game nights.

Amy Watts (: 16:04

Yep.

Andrea Knoche (: 16:11

Is this somebody that I could sh see bringing with me to one of these events? And he just

fits in seamlessly? Or is it somebody that I'm going to need to babysit? Am I going to need to be making sure he's constantly okay, including him in the conversation? And you can't really tell those things when you're just fluttering around, you know, doing all of the fun stuff. You know, you really need to really look at those. And so I think there's a lot of things to look at there. You got to look at how they handle certain things. How are they with the wait staff in the restaurant? Right. You know, right,

Amy Watts (: 16:43

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 16:44

Can they handle that? How do they handle disappointment? If I said, Hey, I I know you're gonna be here, but I have to go, I have to do some work for half a day. Is he blowing up? I came here for you and I spent this money and da da da, right? Like, because those are those are real life situations and everyday things that can come up. And that's what you have to be looking for. So a lot of great points on that

Amy Watts (: 17:03

Exactly. So

Andrea Knoche (: 17:07

one.

Amy Watts (: 17:08

yeah, would you say since you're fresh in this, and I can almost hit the opposite side of this, but let so let me ask two sides of the coin. I'll leave one to you and one to me.

Andrea Knoche (: 17:17

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 17:18

What conversations

And let me not put you on the spot. Either have you had or would you recommend having in the beginning of a long distance relationship where you're both settled in your space? Like again, in my in my situation in the very beginning, I knew I was moving. So there was no conversation

Andrea Knoche (: 17:34

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 17:35

about would you want to move here or right?

Andrea Knoche (: 17:37

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 17:37

So in in a situation where both are firmly planted and rooted where they are,

Andrea Knoche (: 17:42

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 17:43

but you've also chosen to connect via an

Andrea Knoche (: 17:46

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 17:46

app where you

can see what state each other are in. So there was some intention there.

Andrea Knoche (: 17:49

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 17:52

And if not, then that's something that you can clear up in the very first conversation, right? Like there's been so many

Andrea Knoche (: 17:56

Right.

Amy Watts (: 17:57

times of like, so you're in California. Yeah, Jason, that was

Andrea Knoche (: 18:00

Yeah, I am.

Amy Watts (: 18:01

on my profile. Did what part of that wasn't clear, right? well,

Andrea Knoche (: 18:03

Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 18:06

never mind. I'm not really down for long distance. Okay. So outside

Andrea Knoche (: 18:09

Yes, yes.

Amy Watts (: 18:10

of those games, you know, what conversations would you say are important?

And appropriate 'cause that's a fine balance, right? Important to have, but

Andrea Knoche (: 18:20

I like that.

Amy Watts (: 18:21

yet appropriate at for the time frame, the season of the relationship. But

Andrea Knoche (: 18:23

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 18:25

to make sure like we're investing our time wisely here.

Andrea Knoche (: 18:29

Yes, yes. I that's such a great question. That's really great question, Amy, because I think I think that you have to really walk that fine line, just like you said, of of it being appropriate for the timeframe that you're there. So yeah, like you said, in in my particular situation, he happened to be here where I live. And then because his kids live here, so he left. And and so it crossed, right? Like we just matched and it crossed somehow. And

So I had a feeling, cause I kind of, you know, it does say something. I think it maybe said where he was, because he was there already. He had already gone home. That's probably what it was. He'd already gone home. So by the time I actually looked at it, I was like, huh. okay. I thought he was here. but once we started having the conversation, it just felt very easy and natural and felt like somebody that I wanted to get to know. And for me, my lifestyle allows me to live

Anywhere I want. I'm not bound to be here in California where I am. I can go anywhere. And so it didn't scare me immediately. And so that's something you have to think about. Do I have that lifestyle that I could just pick up and go? Or even for visits, not necessarily to live. and so we very early on, I, you know, I said, I see you live somewhere else. And he was like, I do. And he said, But I'm open to meeting somebody wherever. I don't feel like you only are gonna meet your

your soulmate in your backyard. And I feel that way too, you know. I think people meet for a reason. And I think these dating apps are for a reason that it allows you to meet people in so many other places. So I think for us, we had this little conversation early on. It was not too big. It was not too little. It was a Goldilocks conversation. It was just right. And

And I I think that the smart thing about doing that is that you have to have a plan, regardless of if it's a week, a month, six months, or a year in. You need to know am I gonna waste my time with somebody who has zero desire to move anywhere else? He's set where he's at. I have no desire to move there. Where will that ever go? Right. And I think that it's okay to have that conversation, but like curtail it and keep it, you know, you don't want to get all

future faking and go crazy and be like, no, I totally picture us living in this place and having a dog and we're gonna have, you know, we're gonna have all people over on the weekend and do the prior. Like we don't need to do that, right? We just need to have the simple basic conversation of like who would eventually move if we were going to continue this, pursue this. Are you open to moving? I'm not saying you have to. I'm just asking if you're open to it. Right. Like you're just kind of laying the foundation, finding out what you're both

looking for where you align, where you don't, are you going to be equally invested? You know, those are really big questions to ask. And I think it's okay to ask those up front without getting carried away and starting to make it about potential rather than where you are right now and just making a solid, clear idea or decision of what you're looking to move forward with. So I think that yeah. Thank you.

Amy Watts (: 21:38

Those are excellent points. It's it's a responsibility.

If you choose to well, and it sounds almost like it was accidental that you both it's like you didn't see

this person as in, you know, another country and right, like you

Andrea Knoche (: 21:50

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 21:51

were local when you connected.

Andrea Knoche (: 21:53

Yes. And then it didn't, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 21:54

right. So then you had to decide. So there's a responsibility that comes with the choice

to engage on a dating app with someone who lives in a different state or far away from you. So

Andrea Knoche (: 22:03

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 22:07

yes, to your point that it's not a matter of, my gosh, like let's write the rest of this story right now. It's more of a, okay, well, before we go any further, there are some things that we do need to lay out here.

Andrea Knoche (: 22:19

Right. Before we write that story, let's write the prologue and just see if we're like on the same little page, right? Like let's see where we're at.

Amy Watts (: 22:26

good.

Andrea Knoche (: 22:27

Yeah. And so for me, I mean, that was that was ideal that, you know, and he actually kind of said it first, like, no, I'm open, I'm open to wherever love might take me. Like I am not bound to be where I am. And so I'm open to that. And I was like, okay, so am I. So great.

We're already aligned coming out of the gates. Like now we can kind of move forward, get to know each other, see if it's somebody I can see myself with or that I'm enjoying the conversation or I'm feeling reciprocation. Do our our values align? Do our love languages align? Like all of those things that you need to talk about to see if it's even worth, you know, doing something like that, you know?

so you need to see if you are fully aligned, you know, with all of those

things to see if you even want to move forward. But we got the tough question out of the gate. Okay, we both want the same end game, and we can both make that work. So now let's fill in the gap and see if any of that works to get to that end game. So that's all right.

Amy Watts (: 23:29

Okay, so you did

the responsible long distance stuff up front. Then you got through the basic: like, does this make sense? Are we values aligned? All those points that you just hit. So now what does day-to-day look like? I'm not and I'm not saying specifically

Andrea Knoche (: 23:40

So

Amy Watts (: 23:41

in your situation, but day-to-day in

Andrea Knoche (: 23:42

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 23:43

long distance dating, right? To take you off the out of the hot seat.

Andrea Knoche (: 23:46

Yeah, like at 803, he calls me.

Amy Watts (: 23:46

Stay there if you want to. But so the

what are some of the specific challenges? And you know, we can both speak to this

Andrea Knoche (: 23:54

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 23:55

in choosing. We've both decided.

Andrea Knoche (: 23:57

No.

Amy Watts (: 23:58

We both know there's potential to be on a similar trajectory here. We've got similar end goals in mind. So now how do

Andrea Knoche (: 24:04

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 24:04

we navigate the day to day without being physically together to navigate the day to day?

Andrea Knoche (: 24:10

Hmm, good question. So first of all, I think the hardest thing I would probably say that it was right off the bat that I was thinking about is the trust factor. I think that it's, you know, you are in two different states. We're in two different time zones a little bit. you know, he's got a totally different life going on than what I have. Could I could he have a whole family at home? Yes, he could. Could he be married? Yes, he could.

Right. Like you don't have the autonomy just to show up at his house, see if somebody's there. You don't have, you know, the freedom to be able to talk to his friends or talk to other people that hang around him and and kind of get the goods or you know. So you are kind of going off a blind faith and and hoping that you are both on the up and up and and learning about each other.

And so I think it's important to navigate that throughout the day carefully. I would not set certain times throughout the day that you talk at the same time every day, because that leaves those areas, right? Where you can have a a full nother life going on around those times. And I'm being very like, I'm really reaching here. I don't know how how often that happens. I don't know, maybe it does happen more than I think. It happens. So it happens. Yeah. So

Amy Watts (: 25:15

It happens. I did have an experience very, very short, but yes, where yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 25:22

you gotta be like aware of that, like how that can, right? So

And I also was very clear with him up front. Like I am not the good morning text girl. Like you don't, if you are just gonna message me and say good morning, beautiful, and then I'm really not gonna hear from you throughout the day. And then at the end of the day, you're gonna say, you know, goodnight, beautiful, and think that I'm gonna be all down for this and start spending money to come see you. That's that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for so much more than the breadcrumbs or the pittons that you're offering me, right? So you gotta be, you gotta be clear.

You gotta be very sure of what you want before you start having these conversations. Cause I'm not gonna try to make them be somebody if I'm not interested in even pursuing that. Right. So we very clean we were very honest up front. And I just said, hey, that's not really my my jam. I love if you wanna say, Hey, good morning, hope you had a great sleep, you know, what's on the agenda today, or, you know, I'd love to chat with you later if you have time. That's totally different, right? Than just a good morning, beautiful. Don't hear from you all day.

So I think that you just need to be very clear about how you want that day to look. It doesn't need to be set in stone all the time. You got to make time for each other. And that's gonna be a big thing because you need to be able to feel that closeness when it he's not there, when you're not there, and the trust and and to know that, you know, his actions line up with his words.

If he says he's gonna call, does he call? If he says he's gonna text you, does he text you? If he says he's gonna come see you, is he making plans? You know, what does that look like? So those were the questions that you have to have. And we did. We did have a lot. I mean, when I say that we have set this foundation, I mean we have set this foundation right now. And I am so proud of what we have done in this short period of time.

and I don't feel like there was love bombing involved. I don't feel like we were setting ourselves up for failure of talking all about things in the future that's gonna happen. We've not done any of that. We've been very present, we've been in very in the moment. He is a man of action, which is amazing. Amazing, you know, because that's hard to find these days. And that has made me just be want to be more in and to reciprocate what he is.

he's giving to me. I want, I want him to feel as safe, as you know, excited, as trustworthy, you know, all of these things that I'm wanting to feel. So I've got to give that to him as well. Right. So that's it's a lot of things, a lot of things.

Amy Watts (: 27:57

So yes, for sure yes

to all of it. And that is a lot of things. And most of them come into play, regardless of whether it's long distance or not. You threw in several in there that are specific to long

Andrea Knoche (: 28:05

No, no.

Amy Watts (: 28:06

distance. Very super important to note.

Andrea Knoche (: 28:08

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 28:09

The overarching theme that I heard and everything that you just said was what we exchange.

As we

Andrea Knoche (: 28:14

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 28:15

are considering building a relationship and what's required, the communication and being clear on what you want and expressing that and finding common ground, want matches, so to speak, right? In in that communication

Andrea Knoche (: 28:26

Yeah, yeah.

Amy Watts (: 28:27

and consistency. But the other side of that is, and this is some of the stuff that I hit on in the period where my guy and I, you know, we'd been together probably two years easily before

Andrea Knoche (: 28:38

But

Amy Watts (: 28:38

I moved to California and we had that that period of distance. Each individual.

to it takes an extra level, I think, of working through your own insecurities. Cause like you said, you don't have some of the additional, you know, confirmations and data to collect. For sure. So

Andrea Knoche (: 28:54

No no line of sight? No.

Amy Watts (: 28:58

when, you know, it can bring up, it can, it can magnify for sure any

Andrea Knoche (: 29:02

Again.

Amy Watts (: 29:04

areas, any little growth edges that haven't quite been addressed and nurtured or that have been,

Andrea Knoche (: 29:07

Growth pitches. I like that.

Amy Watts (: 29:10

that have been maybe off to the side because you haven't had to face them.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:14

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 29:15

That is key too for those who are taking notes, right? So making sure

Andrea Knoche (: 29:19

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 29:19

that you're clear in your own security how much of your time, how much of your brain space is taken up by this person after

Andrea Knoche (: 29:27

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 29:27

wondering, right? And that's in any relationship, but again, the additional layers with the long distance. You don't really know what life they are living.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:35

You don't.

Amy Watts (: 29:36

You can't pop by and drop off their favorite coffee in the morning at their workplace or whatever.

Andrea Knoche (: 29:42

No.

Amy Watts (: 29:42

So it's I think it's a great opportunity to really deepen your internal intuition and trust and confidence and work

Andrea Knoche (: 29:51

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 29:52

through, you know, it's a great time to get a coach, get in therapy, use your wise

Andrea Knoche (: 29:55

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 29:56

resources, mentors to really look at, this is coming up and I want to communicate to this this to them, but why? Or I

Andrea Knoche (: 30:03

Yeah, yes.

Amy Watts (: 30:04

find myself stalking them on social media. I've had several clients lately that have have experienced something similar, right? And

Andrea Knoche (: 30:10

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 30:10

they're like, but I find that I'm constantly looking like.

Did they post, but they didn't text me. So I know they were on their phone. Like that's the kind of craziness that we don't want to get into. Because really,

Andrea Knoche (: 30:16

Mm. no.

Amy Watts (: 30:20

when you look at it, what are you bringing into the relationship then? You're bringing your doubt. You're bringing not that we're ever gonna

Andrea Knoche (: 30:23

Yeah, angst and anxiety.

Amy Watts (: 30:25

eliminate those things, but that we can manage them internally on our

Andrea Knoche (: 30:28

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 30:29

end without it having to be constant confirmation from the other person because of those extra layers. So yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 30:34

Yes. But those things are

so normal within us, right? Like we all have our attachment styles. If you have if you are in that disorganized attachment, you have the little bit of the anxious anxiety, right? You can be good for a good portion of the time, but there are those little things. And I was telling you earlier, I experienced just a little, what is that? You know,

Amy Watts (: 30:52

Sure.

Andrea Knoche (: 30:53

kind of threw me off. And it, you know, I mean, and he was so wonderful about like, no, like

That does not need to be an issue. Anytime you want to talk about that, we can. And and I I needed that to just let me go, okay. That was the only thing. Now I'm good, you know? But it's

Amy Watts (: 31:09

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 31:10

normal. That is normal that we're gonna feel that stuff, especially in a long distance relationship, because you don't have the normal securities that you would in a local relationship, as you called it. Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 31:18

Sure. You can kind of gauge. Like, is this

an obvious like this is gonna pop up for anyone, or do I find that this is now occupied three hours of my day cumulatively? Okay, so that's

Andrea Knoche (: 31:29

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 31:30

kind of where you can gauge. Like, is this something I maybe need to address? and this space has given me the opportunity to do so, right? Okay, so that's another important piece. And then you talk

Andrea Knoche (: 31:35

Yes, yes, yes.

Amy Watts (: 31:40

about so travel, and I think one thing that we had on maybe pre-recording too was.

and expectation of when you'll see each other. What is that offer? That's brilliant.

Andrea Knoche (: 31:49

Yes, that was huge.

Amy Watts (: 31:52

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 31:52

Again, we really were very intentional about talking about what this looks like over the next one, two, six, whatever months, right? Till maybe we do get to a point that maybe we're like, okay, it's time we're gonna like really get together here. You gotta cultivate that. I mean, you leave that door open and you leave that door open, right? There's cracks and when cracks, when there's cracks in the

What do they say? I don't know what's the phrase on that. Yeah, people come in the door, is what I'm trying to say, you know? And

Amy Watts (: 32:22

Yeah. Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 32:23

so you always want to be, I tell him, like fertilizing the grass, like watering the grass. You need to like really take care of your side of the lawn. And when you do that and you're making things very, I keep using this word intentional, but like that is what we

Amy Watts (: 32:40

Mm-hmm.

Andrea Knoche (: 32:40

are doing. And so I'm being so, you know, direct about it because that is where we've

We've put ourselves, right? Like we want to be intentional.

when you're being very intentional and you're saying, okay, I don't want to give any undue anxiety or any undue like feeling, right? Like so, so when we are together and we make the effort to spend together, let's talk about the next time. What does that look like? Is that, you know, how far out is that gonna be? And as go as far as to maybe go, okay, let's before we leave, let's like

mark off these dates and we're both gonna look at flights and see where it's best for us to go, what makes most sense, you know, and give yourself the best opportunity possible to do

Amy Watts (: 33:18

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:19

that. What a different feeling for to

Amy Watts (: 33:21

Yeah.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:21

leave and know that. And again, he did just that, you know, like he came to see me, left, and then immediately he was like, hey, I was looking at dates. Why don't we get another another one on the books? And I love that because we've already planned four out from here right now. And I love that because it

softens that an angst or anxiety that I was feeling, right? Like I know. Yes.

Amy Watts (: 33:44

Yeah. Well, let me give you my experience of that. It because

you did it beautifully. So well done to both of you. And this is what you you mentioned attachment style earlier. So I said I could probably share the other side of a coin. I presented to you what have you done. And then my side of that coin is here's what did not work for us.

Andrea Knoche (: 33:59

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 34:00

Knowing my attachment style at the time, it's shifted significantly since then. But discovered, and it took me about three of he came to visit me.

Andrea Knoche (: 34:10

Mm-hmm.

Amy Watts (: 34:11

It took about three of those trips before I realized what was happening at the end. Like as we were packing up, as I was getting ready to take him to the airport, we didn't have a next date set. And and to be to be fair, his schedule was very challenging to be able to do

Andrea Knoche (: 34:24

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 34:25

that. but I caught myself, and again, it took me for the third trip before I realized what I was doing, but I would start to self-sabotage. I could I would start to withdraw and push away and be like, Okay, deuces, peace, go ahead, go back. Doesn't matter if I see you again.

And it was self-protective, right? Because it was

Andrea Knoche (: 34:39

Yep, sure was.

Amy Watts (: 34:41

a feeling of anxiety of I don't know if or when or does he intend to, right? And he did communicate that to the best of his ability, but I didn't I didn't receive it, honestly. So after

Andrea Knoche (: 34:55

Mm.

Amy Watts (: 34:56

about the third trip, we were literally standing at the door, getting like suitcase in hand, I'm getting ready to take him to LAX. And I was like, I can't do this. And

Andrea Knoche (: 35:06

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 35:06

I just realized that I've been a total

bitch for the last six hours because the little six-year-old in me is like, but when are you coming back? Are you just gonna leave me here? What if I don't, yeah. What does that mean

Andrea Knoche (: 35:15

If I don't see him again. Mm-hmm. Abandoned.

Amy Watts (: 35:18

about me? Are you rejecting me? Right. And it sounds ridiculous, but when you're not tuned in, you're

Andrea Knoche (: 35:22

But it's not, it's real.

Amy Watts (: 35:24

just like, I was just kind of being a bitch. So recognizing

Andrea Knoche (: 35:26

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 35:27

that made a huge difference. And again,

Andrea Knoche (: 35:29

Yes.

Amy Watts (: 35:30

we weren't necessarily able to schedule every upcoming visit, but it was on our radar then of like we would at least

Andrea Knoche (: 35:33

Sure. Who's on your radar?

Amy Watts (: 35:36

be having the conversation like pretty much every

You know, every week at least it would be like, okay, so what are these dates looking like for you? I know you can't commit to it yet, but at least we've got two different weekends we're looking at. Huge.

Andrea Knoche (: 35:44

Yes. And I love that, but I love

that you recognize the self-sabotage, right? And that's huge. And but

Amy Watts (: 35:49

I think it only took three times, Andrea.

Andrea Knoche (: 35:53

again, you know, had you had those conversations early on, and that would have put you a little bit more at ease of knowing, okay, we've already talked about this. He knows like that I'm going to need that a little bit more at the end

Amy Watts (: 36:03

Yes.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:03

of this. And that might have really helped. So

Amy Watts (: 36:06

I did.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:07

I know that we are going to cut this one at this moment because we are gonna, we have so much more to talk about.

Amy Watts (: 36:11

Was just gonna say that.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:12

Yeah, we've so much more to talk about. And so for those of you taking notes, I mean, so far we've talked about the fantasy versus reality, right? And then we've also talked about having a plan and then also trust. And I think we just have so much more to touch on because we need to know are they really showing up for you? And are you showing up for them? Right? Like how important consistency is. And also we wanna talk about like,

When is it okay to put your life on hold for someone? Or when is it

Amy Watts (: 36:38

Mm.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:39

when you get to that point when you need to realize this just isn't working the way it is? Right. And now it's kind of a shit or get off the pot kind of deal, right? Like when you get there. we're gonna cut here because I want to have you back to talk about the rest of that. we're not gonna miss a beat, you guys. So make sure that you

Amy Watts (: 36:55

Love it.

Andrea Knoche (: 36:55

have everything set that you're gonna catch both of these episodes. but definitely listen to this one. Full video on YouTube. Amy, where can they find you?

Amy Watts (: 37:04

You can find me on Instagram at So She Did Life Coaching and I'm on Facebook at Amy Watts. And

Andrea Knoche (: 37:10

Yeah.

Amy Watts (: 37:10

yeah, the reinvention strategist. Reach out. But I'm super excited for the second half of this conversation. You're right. They have great notes.

Andrea Knoche (: 37:15

It's good.

Amy Watts (: 37:16

Stay tuned. We'll be back with more.

Andrea Knoche (: 37:18

More to come. We'll see you guys next week. Bye bye.