You Didn't Heal. You Just Got Better at Choosing the Same Person

Andrea Knoche (: 00:00

Hey, you guys, welcome back to From Mrs. To Ms. If you are new here, welcome to the show. I'm so excited that you guys are here. I'm your host, Andrea Knoche This is the podcast where we talk about dating intentionally after divorce, after heartbreak, or any major life shift for that matter. And we're just really figuring out how to choose better, not just differently. Because let's be honest, a lot of us, well,

We like to think we've done the work, right? That we've grown, that we have learned and that we've become more self-aware and yet dating can still feel so confusing. It's frustrating. And sometimes, you know, like we're repeating the same patterns over and over again. And that is exactly what we're gonna get into today. This is one of those episodes.

where I kind of had to call myself out.

I have a feeling that you might see yourself in this too a little bit. So pay attention and let's get into it, you guys. All right. Have you ever had that moment where you're just sitting there and something ends or I don't know, maybe something just starts to feel off and you think to yourself, wait, how did I end up here again? I'm with a different man. He has a totally different personality.

It's a totally different situation, but somehow the same feeling. I've had that moment more than once. And you know, I think what really hit me one day, and honestly, it kind of messed with me a little, it was this thought, what if I did not actually heal? I just got better. I got better at choosing the same kind of man in a different form.

God, like I upgraded the packaging, but the pattern stayed the exact same. And I think a lot of women, especially in midlife, right? Like after divorce, after the heartbreak, we do not want to admit it because we're of age. We've done this for a long time, right? We've done the work. We've read the books. We have listened to the podcasts. We've gone to therapy. We're supposed to be past this, aren't we?

I want to slow this down for a second because I want you to think about your last situation or maybe the last few. Was there a moment early on where something felt off like something in your gut was telling you it was off? You knew it was off, but your brain had not caught up yet. Maybe he was inconsistent, but you just told yourself, it's early. Maybe the communication was off, but you told yourself that he's just busy.

Or maybe something just didn't feel aligned, but you couldn't fully explain why or put your finger on it. Now here's a question. After seeing all of those things, did you leave when you noticed it or did you stay and try to understand it? Because that moment right there, that's the difference between awareness and healing. Awareness says something is off. Healing says,

I'm no longer available for this. Most of us live in awareness over here. We see it, we feel it, we even talk about it, but we don't know how to change our behavior. Healing is, healing's not what you know. It's what you'll no longer tolerate. And I've been that woman, you guys, the one who can call it out in real time. I'm like, this is not right.

He's not consistent. This feels off, but I'm going to give him another chance. I'm going to give him more time. And you start becoming really good at explaining behavior instead of responding to it. You start saying things like, well, maybe he had a tough childhood or, you know, he's just going through a lot, you guys, or he struggles with vulnerability. And suddenly you're not dating. You are understanding.

and understanding feels like growth, but it's not. It's not the same. It's not the same as choosing differently. Sometimes we aren't healed. We're just better at narrating the dysfunction. Now, this is where it gets a little sneaky because you're not choosing the same obvious guy anymore, not the guy that you feel like you've always chosen. You're choosing the one who almost feels right. He plans dates and he checks in.

And he tells you he likes you,

But you still feel a little anxious. You still feel like you're waiting. You still feel like you just don't fully know where you stand. So let me ask you something. Okay, if a man is consistent and he's very clear in his intentions, he's aligned, would you feel confused? No, right? Because confusion is not chemistry. Confusion is inconsistency.

But because he's better than what you had before, convince yourself, you convince yourself that this is growth and this is where we start negotiating with ourselves. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I just need to be more patient. Maybe this is just how dating is now. So when you start negotiating your needs, you are already out of alignment. You are already abandoning yourself. You didn't change the pattern. You just upgraded the packaging, right?

And honestly, that version is harder to walk away from because now you're almost getting what you want. Right. You're almost getting the consistency. You're almost getting the emotional availability, almost the relationship and almost will keep you stuck way longer than obvious dysfunction ever did. That's what they call, my friend, a situation ship.

So for those of you who don't know what a situationship is, it's basically that when you're in a relationship, you have no idea where it's going. You are kind of OK with how things are playing out. He's not overly consistent. He's not really reaching out to you and planning the dates. He's not totally emotionally available, like I said. But he's putting in just enough to make you think, hmm, maybe this is the guy.

And like I said, you start negotiating in your mind. You start thinking, yeah, but what if, what if dating just isn't what it used to be, you know? And you've got all those feelings and you're wondering, and you're lowering your bar to tolerate his behavior instead of raising the bar and telling him goodbye. So the point I'm trying to make is that we need to be looking for more consistency, more alignment.

We need to be looking for those things that are going to move the needle in the right direction instead of tolerating the same things over and over again and just hoping that they turn out differently. So, you know, I could talk about this because I've been dating for quite a few years now and that's exactly what would happen. You know, I would give opportunity after opportunity and, you know, the communication would become very inconsistent and I would totally chalk it up to, you know, just he's busy.

He doesn't have time to be texting me throughout the day, or he doesn't have time to call me and make a plan for this weekend, or the plans stop being made. And then I start making the plans where I'm the one who's reaching out saying, hey, did you want to do something this weekend? Or, hey, did you want to chat tonight or get together? And so now I feel like I'm chasing him all of a sudden, right? And he's giving me bare minimum. I mean, he's dropping breadcrumbs for me, let's be real. He's giving me just enough to keep me hanging on.

And so what do I do? I keep hanging on, keep hanging on and hoping that things are gonna change, right? He's gonna be different. He's gonna get through this busy time with work and then he's gonna start calling me more. He's gonna recognize how into him I am and he's gonna start getting these feelings for me. And if I just see him more often, then he's gonna wanna see me more often, right? There's all of these things that are going through in our head that we're constantly negotiating or abandoning within ourselves.

in order to make something work that maybe was never meant to work in the first place. And it quite often feels like you're trying to push a square peg into a round hole because it's not quite the right fit, but we're trying to make it the fit. Why? Because it's easier than starting over. The hardest thing I think about dating and especially online dating is when you actually meet some money that you're interested in and you guys connect and you communicate.

and you plan your date, right? So now you go out on your first date and you have such a great time. You guys totally hit it off. The dinner's good. You know, I don't know, you go for a nice walk after, everything's great. He gives you a great kiss goodbye. You are golden, right? Ask you out for a second date. You've already got this on the schedule. You're super excited about that. Well, now you put your dating profile on pause. I'm thinking, right? You don't have to...

cut yourself off of it immediately because let's be honest, it's been two days and we know how even three, four, five days can turn into nothing again, right? So it's okay to give yourself time. Now I like to go in and pause my profile if I'm really into somebody and wanna get to know them. I don't wanna continue just talking to multiple people. But once you do that, and then you move forward with this person, well now you go on a few dates after dates after dates and then all of a sudden it doesn't work out again.

So what do we do then? We got to start back at the beginning. So now we got to redo our dating profile. Of course, we go in and we change things up to make it a little bit prettier. And we start matching again, or we go back to the last person that we matched with, right? Because this now didn't work out. And I think that's one of the hardest things is having to start over each time, because now you're starting over with the same questions, the same stories you're telling. You're trying to find out if there's chemistry, you're trying to gauge if there's

any kind of connection there, and it's hard. It's hard to consistently start over and over and over again. So what we tend to do then is we tend to find somebody that we already feel this familiarity with, right? And our brain senses that. It's sensing that, my God, this guy is familiar because you've been through this before. So even though he's giving you short, little answers in his responses, you're hoping if you continue to conversate with him that it's gonna pick up.

that he's gonna get better. Next thing you know, you're out on a date and there's very little conversation because you didn't pay attention to the hints or the clues that were given to you during the chatting on the dating app. You didn't recognize that they're hardly giving you anything but crumbs and you were just gobbling those up and hoping that he's gonna now start throwing more and more at you and eventually throw a whole piece of bread, but he's not. He's giving you little, little bits.

And so we tend to go back to that familiar phase until we move forward in the dates and then we repeat it all over again and we go back. And our mind is telling us that we are growing, right? Like we are, we recognize this one over here and now I'm gonna go and meet the next guy and I'm totally gonna recognize when he's being inconsistent or he's not giving me much attention or he's not planning the dates or whatever that might be. And you give the same attention again.

It is this vicious cycle that keeps going on until you actually realize, I have got to change what I am willing to tolerate. I no longer am allowing this behavior. I'm no longer allowing the bare minimum because we want more for ourselves, don't we? We want somebody who's going to want to be consistent in chatting with us, who can't wait to text us, who wants to hear our voice.

who wants to plan a date ahead of time because they're excited about seeing you. That's what we're all striving for. So why are we settling for anything less? I don't know. It's really hard.

Okay, so I'm gonna give you a real life example of what this actually looks like. I had a listener write in and this is what she said and then we'll get to it and you guys can listen and kind of, you know, think about what your responses might be. Okay, so the listener says, hi Andrea, I need your advice because I feel like I'm finally dating a good guy. He plans dates, he texts me every day, he tells me he likes me, but sometimes he disappears for a day or two.

And when he comes back, he acts totally normal. He says he's been busy and he doesn't want to seem needy. But it's making me feel anxious when I don't hear from him. I keep telling myself this is healthy, but something still feels off. Am I overthinking this or am I missing something? Okay, this is a common situation guys. And I want you to notice something.

Nothing she said is technically bad, right? And that's exactly why it's confusing. He's doing enough to keep her in it. He's texting her every day. He's letting her know he can't wait to plan a date, but it's not enough to make her feel secure. Why? Because inconsistency wrapped in effort is still inconsistency. And so she's trying to override it with her intuition, with her logic. he texts me, he plans dates, he says he likes me.

but her body is saying, no, I feel anxious. I don't feel settled. Something doesn't feel right. And your nervous system does not lie, even when your mind tries to explain it away. So if you feel anxious more than you feel secure, I mean, that's your answer, right?

So what would I say to her? I would probably tell her if I was talking to this person live, I would say, listen, you can accept whatever you want to accept from this person. He is texting you consistently for the most part. He's planning the dates. He wants to see you. He tells you he likes you. But what happens during those days when he just completely disappears, those two to three days? What does that do for your nervous system? And she said it makes her extremely nervous.

She doesn't feel right. She doesn't feel settled. So in my opinion, she should have a conversation with them and not really just let them off the hook with I've been busy or I don't want to seem too needy. Have that open conversation. It's not needy if both parties are interested and want to spend time together and get to know each other more. It's about growing and learning about each other and taking that time to do that. So if you explain to him that

He's not being needy. You want to get to know him better. You want to spend more time with him. You want to do those things and you don't like periods of time when he just disappears and then he comes back like he was never gone. Well, you should have that open conversation and then get his response to that. If he still continues to be gone for a couple of days or very inconsistent with his texting or he's just MIA and you don't hear from him for a while. Well,

That gives you your answer. That's not going to change. It's not all of a sudden change. That's who he is. That's how he operates. So you need to take it or leave it. And what do they say? If somebody shows you who they are, believe them. He's showing you right there. He cannot be consistent for you. He cannot be that person that you're looking for. So you need to decide if you're willing to settle and be OK with the breadcrumbs or if you want more for yourself because you've done the work and you know what it takes to be in a relationship.

you know that it's gonna take consistency, it's gonna take effort, it's gonna take you being proactive to make things happen, and it's not one-sided. It doesn't have to be just the man doing everything. It should be both-sided. I mean, you should both be making efforts. You should both be wanting to see each other and wanting to spend time together, and that's what makes a great relationship. So this is exactly what we're talking about, right?

This situation that she gave us is not obvious dysfunction. It's just upgraded inconsistency, right? That's what it is, upgraded inconsistency. So why does this happen? It's not because you're broken. It's because your nervous system is wired for what is familiar. It's not wired for what's healthy. So if inconsistency or emotional distancing was part of your past, that's what feels like chemistry.

then peace can feel boring and chaos can feel like the connection. So you're kind of getting it backwards right there. I used to think that if I felt a strong pull towards someone, then that must mean something. And it does. It means your nervous system recognizes something and it's not necessarily something that is good for you. It could be, but not usually. So if it feels like a roller coaster, you got to remember that is not chemistry, you guys, that is conditioning.

And then there's this one where we tend to fall in love with potential. You're not falling for who he is, you're falling for who he could be. And then you date that version. I can't tell you how many times I've actually done that, you guys. When I'm actually about to go out on a date with somebody, you know, I, this is in the past, I was already thinking about what our future would look like. You know, I'm picturing him in my mind, meeting my kids, doing things.

being in my home. And then when you meet them and they are telling you all these things about them, which let's keep in mind, you really don't know them at all. This is one day they're going to put on their best, their best outfit, right? They're going to put their best foot forward and tell you everything pretty much that you want to know. You're not going to get a lot of the negative shit the first date, but when they do that, what happens is then we tend to fall in love with the potential of that person. We're really intrigued by who they are, what they could be down the road.

who they could be for us and how they can fit into our lives. And so we start dating with that potential in mind and we're totally missing all of the red flags along the way. They are being inconsistent. They're not giving us hardly any attention. They're not planning dates. Maybe they're canceling dates. They're missing days at a time. Yet we are still looking at, yeah, but down the road, he could be an amazing boyfriend or an amazing girlfriend. This goes both ways, guys, by the way.

So what we have to make sure we're not doing is dating that version, the potential version. That can get us in a lot of trouble because you're investing in that version and you're basically waiting for that version, right? But relationships don't work on potential. They work on patterns. Okay, here's another person that wrote in and she said, hey, Andrea, I feel like I should know better by now. I've done therapy. I understand my patterns.

I can literally see what is happening while it's happening. I'm dating someone who has told me that he's not ready for a relationship. But we talk every day. We see each other every day. And when we're together, it feels really good. I keep telling myself to pull back, but I don't. I stay. I hope. I keep thinking maybe it'll all turn into something.

Maybe it'll be what I'm looking for. Why is it so hard to walk away? Okay, this one hits on a bit of a different level because she's not lacking awareness. She's fully aware of what's going on. This is not an awareness issue. This is just an alignment issue. She's choosing a situation that already does not meet her needs and her standards. He's told her clearly, I am not ready for a relationship, yet she's continuing on.

with whatever's going on, hoping he's gonna change his mind. So when someone tells you they cannot meet your needs, believe them the first time. But instead of accepting that, well, she is trying to build a relationship inside a situationship that was never designed to become one. Does that make sense what I'm saying there? She is trying to build a relationship inside a situationship and then wondering.

why it's not working, why she's not getting her needs met, because it was never meant to be a relationship in the first place. He's been very clear about what he wants, which puts him in the situationship section of the store.

Mm.

You cannot build commitment inside non-commitment. So why does she stay? She's staying for the emotional experience because it feels good in the moment. When they're together, she feels connected. It feels real. And that feeling is enough for her. And it's going to completely override the reality. We say for the feeling, even when the situation is not aligned. you know, that's making me really think about that because

I've been in situationships. So I had met this guy when I very first moved from Texas to California. We were actually talking when I was back in Texas. I think we met when I came out to visit my kids over Christmas. And so he knew that I was moving out here. We kept in touch. We were chatting. We made plans to meet up when I got out here. And he was going to be the only person that I knew. So it seemed perfect, right? Well, we did. We met up.

Everything was great. We were chatting. We went on a first date. We had a lot of fun. We did that axe throwing and we had dinner and it was a lot of fun. I was attracted to him. I thought we were getting along swimmingly. Let me tell you. Well, shortly after he was very clear with me that he really wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. He enjoyed chatting with me. He thought I'd be fun to hang out with. He was not in a place financially to be able to, you know,

be settled down or was somebody that was looking for some kind of future and he didn't have quite the right job that he wanted. He wasn't living where he wanted. So there were a lot of things up in the air and I was still briefly coming out of divorce had been a couple of years. So I was still, you know, not fresh, but there was still some wounds there.

And as we all do, we think we've already healed, right? We've worked on ourselves. We've gone out on some dates. We know what we want. We've sat with ourselves. We've meditated. We've grounded. We've done all those things. And we think we know what we want now and that we're going to be able to recognize it. But no, I wasn't. And so it was really shocking for me because this actually went on for a couple of years where we were in this situationship. And I was still dating. I was going out with other people. But I felt stuck. And it wasn't that I

I felt like I couldn't leave. It's that I didn't want to leave because when we were together, I felt connected. I liked the attention that he gave me. like that he honestly gave me a little bit of a chase back then. I don't like the chase now, but back then I really liked the chase. And so it felt right to me, right? Like I felt like, no, we're really connected. Same things. He's just really busy right now. He doesn't have time to reach out to me or he doesn't have time to plan a date or he doesn't...

Want to see me this weekend because you know, he's got too much on his plate, but he'll want to see me later. No, no, no, no. That is not what is going on there. If they want to, they will. Right? So somebody who is head over heels for you, somebody that is interested in getting to know you, they don't even have to be head over heels. If they're interested in getting to know you, they see something in you that aligns with them and they see that they want to get to know you better.

They wanna continually date you, they're attracted to you, the conversation is there, the chemistry is there. They are going to call you. They're going to wanna see you. They're going to want to text you. Because that's how that works, right? When you're anxious and eager to get to know somebody and be in a relationship with them, you pursue them. And that's what we want. So why are we accepting half-assed behavior? And we're okay with it. And we're still giving them our whole selves.

So it's really hard to do it. I'm not saying it's not hard. It took me, as I said, a couple years to really come to terms with it. And I knew it. I knew it along the way. was like, God, he's just not that into me. If you haven't seen that movie, he's just not that into you. It's so true. And you have to be realistic about that as much as it hurts, as much as it hurts your ego, and you don't want to admit it. You have to recognize that maybe he's just not that into you.

And it's okay. It just means it's not the right person for you. The right person will do all of those things that you're expecting. And when it happens, your mind is blown because you can't believe that you ever accepted the shit that you did. It's so eye-opening. And I really want that for everybody where you find somebody that just makes you feel

Amazing the way they look at you the way they smile at you the way they think of you They call you they text you they want to see you they pursue you It's so amazing you guys. I'm letting you know it's so worth waiting for

But going back to this scenario, here's the part that really changed things for me, right? Because I want to just make sure I'm answering this person who wrote this in. You cannot heal what you are still attracted to. You can know better.

Andrea Knoche (: 26:46

and you can still choose what feels familiar. And that does not mean that you failed. It just means that your attraction is not quite caught up to your awareness yet. That's all. You're not choosing the person, you're kind of choosing the feeling. So what actually changes is this.

No more analyzing, no more overthinking, no more understanding him. It is choosing differently even when it feels uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right. Just start paying attention to how you feel in your body, what your gut says. Do you feel calm or do you feel activated? So you need to pay attention to that.

pay attention to consistency early on, not months. And stop giving potential more weight than reality. If who he is today never changed, would you still choose him? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Make decisions from self-trust, You know, it's interesting. I like to say, you know, I had gone out with a guy who I did recognize a lot of those things upfront, right? Like there were just...

things that he, he was consistent and you know, he was telling me he liked me and he wanted to see me, but there were a lot of other things, right? That, that was going to be a lot of work. And to be honest, I just wasn't looking for a project. And so something that made me really sit down and think about that was me thinking exactly what I just said. If he were to be exactly the way he is today, would you still want to be with him?

And I like to think of it as applying for a job. If he came and was applying for a job with me and I saw all of these things firsthand that I would need to work on to help to understand, to get him in a better place, to allow him to be working on his stuff while dating me,

If I saw all of that, would I give him the job of being my partner for life? Because that's genuinely what we're looking for, right? If we're dating intentionally, like this podcast is about, we're looking for that person that's going to be our future person that we're planning to spend the rest of our life with. We want to meet our kids, depending on how old you are. Maybe you want to have kids. That's who you're looking for. So you need to think of it as interviewing them for the job. So if they came to you with all of these things that they needed working on right now,

Would you give them the job? Probably not. And so that's what you need to think about. We want somebody who's kind of turnkey ready, right? Not perfect. Nobody's perfect. They can have things that you need to work on together, but the big things you need to pay attention to, because those are the things that over the trajectory of the relationship are going to get worse. And what you might tolerate right now later in the relationship, these things are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger. And are you OK with tolerating them then?

So pay attention to those now, because hope is going to keep you stuck, right? Self-trust is going to move you forward. Self-trust sounds like, hmm, this is not enough for me. I want you to pause for a second, you guys, and think about your last situation, OK? Where did you first notice the misalignment, if there was one? And what did you do next? That right there, that is your pattern.

So I wanna leave you with this. Are you actually choosing differently or are you choosing the same dynamic just with better language? All right, guys, if this episode hit you, send it to a friend who keeps saying, this one feels different. And maybe this is the moment where you both start asking, yeah, but is it different or is it familiar?

Make sure that you guys are following the show from Mrs. To Ms. And leave a review. I'm at from.misses.thenumber2.miss on Instagram and TikTok. I would love to hear from you guys. You can email me your scenarios and I love to read them out.

And there are tons of episodes before this, you guys. I have over 100 and something episodes. So you need to go back and listen to all seven seasons. There is something for everyone in there. There's a lot of laughs, a lot of valuable information, tons of incredible guests. Find what suits for you or watch them all. I would love for you to watch them all. Please just make sure to like, follow, subscribe, leave a review.

The videos are on YouTube. This is what helps us propel forward and to make more episodes and more great content. All right, you guys, it was a blast talking to you again this week. I hope you are looking at your own relationship and asking yourself those questions.

we'll see you next week. Bye.